SPOILER WARNING: The following article contains information about Santa Claus that may not be suitable for a younger audience.

In spite of the really cool uniform, being Santa is not the plush a job it seems.

I’ve been moonlighting as a family entertainer (that is, a clown) for nearly four years now, and have loved nearly every minute of it.

But last year, when I donned the big beard and red suit for the first time, I walked into a world that is filled with as much fear, germs and grime as it is with joy and laughter.

At first, I tried to make being Santa a high and noble calling, mostly because I hate Christmas.

“Bah. Humbug.” That’s me.

I don’t like what Christmas does to people. In the pursuit of holiday cheer, people become animals of consumption. Christmas teaches children more about greed and selfishness than anything else in their lives. Adults and children alike are filled with stress and worry, so it baffles me why people love it so much.

So I wanted to make my Santa work about more than “What do you want for Christmas little boy/girl?” and before I started the gig, I had planned out how it would go:

SANTA: Ho! Ho! Ho! Have you been a good girl this year?

GIRL: Yes.

SANTA: What have you done that’s good?

GIRL: I clean my room.

SANTA: Do you mind your mom and dad?

GIRL: Yes.

SANTA: Do you pay attention in school?

GIRL: Yes.

SANTA: Do you go to bed when they tell you?

GIRL: Yes.

SANTA: Then you’ve been a good girl. I’ll put you on the “Nice” list. Do you want me to tell you the secret to getting good presents?

GIRL (her eyes light up at the prospect of learning one of Santa’s secrets): Yes.

SANTA: The secret to getting good presents is giving good presents. Yes! It’s true. So when you make your list of presents that you want, make a second list with presents that you can give. And you know what? Here’s the best part of the secret: You don’t have to spend money to give good presents! The best presents to give are free! The best presents to give is a hug and a smile. Because if you give somebody a hug and a smile, you make them happy. And the more people you make happy, the better your Christmas will be. Do you understand?

GIRL: Yes.

SANTA: That’s the best advice Santa can give you about presents, and who knows more about presents than Santa Claus? Ho! Ho! Ho!

Notice there’s no mention of Barbie dolls or Dora the Explorer kitchen sets, no My Little Pony and no video games.

My friends told me I was being too idealistic, that it would never work because people didn’t want that from Santa Claus, that I would have to stick to the naughty-or-nice routine and listen to the litany of greed.

And they were right, but mostly for reasons of practicality.

For one thing, at my major Santa gig, at Sharon Woods’ Santaland for their Holiday in Lights event, I see about 200 families in a four-hour shift. People wait in line for an hour to see me (to see Santa, that is; I keep forgetting it’s not me).

To re-invent the holiday takes time, and the kids are already cranky, their diapers full and their well of patience empty by the time they get to the front of the line.

Plus, I would have to re-educate the parents who throw their kids on my lap, screaming “Tell Santy what you want!”

So for the most part, I stick to the routine. Naughty or nice. What do you want Santa Claus to bring you? Ho ho ho-hum.

I didn’t anticipate all of the possible questions they would ask of Santa Claus, so maybe some of my answers don’t line up with the mythology.

“Where’s your sleigh?” one kid asks.

“At the North Pole,” Santa tells him.

“How did you get here?”

“Um. I took a bus. The sleigh only flies on Christmas Eve. Don’t ask my why. I’m only an operator, not a technician.”

So it’s certainly been a learning experience.

I’ve learned, for one thing, that kids are filthy creatures. My white gloves turn a nice shade of graphite gray by the end of a shift, and they don’t come clean. I got a flu shot for the first time this year because last year all the sniffling noses put me in a virtual coma between Christmas and New Years.

I’ve also learned that more kids are scared of Santa Claus than of clowns, believe it or not. I estimate that about one in five of the children who come my way are frightened of Santa Claus or at least nervous about being in the presence of a legend, and about one in 10 will not sit still for a picture without screaming and/or kicking. About half of those will get their picture taken anyway because people are so nuts about Christmas that they don’t have a problem traumatizing their child for the sake of the traditional photo with Santa.

I’ve learned that Christmas is also about heartache, loneliness and frustration. How is Santa supposed to respond to a teenager who says, “All I want for Christmas if for my dad to move back home?” Or to the exasperated mother who, after dealing with two very active toddlers while the father stays in the background talking on his cell phone, says, “All I want is a little time to myself.”

And I’ve learned that there is only one Santa Claus, that he exists everywhere, that he manifests himself in red suits and big fluffy beards in a thousand different places all at the same time because the spirit of Christmas is so enormous that it can’t be limited to one night a year.

I am not Santa Claus. I don’t play Santa Claus. I channel his spirit, and for 13 evenings between Thanksgiving and Dec. 23, Santa fills me with everything that is Christmas, the good, the bad and the greedy.

Although I still have my aversions to the holiday season, even a clown like me can’t help but be moved by the look of wide-eyed wonder on a child’s face getting so close to someone so powerful and famous as Santa Claus.

Santa Claus is real, and it is a high and noble calling.

And it pays pretty well, too.